How to Repair a Broken Relationship at Work

HANNAH BATES: Welcome to HBR on Leadership—your essential source for insights from the crème de la crème of business and management experts, all aimed at helping you unleash the potential in those around you.

We’ve all been there: feeling trapped in a negative cycle with a colleague, be it your boss, a teammate, or even someone reporting to you. So, how do you break free from this professional deadlock?

Workplace conflict maven Amy Gallo emphasizes that mending a frayed relationship is not just beneficial—it’s vital for your work life. But let’s be real, it’s not for the faint of heart, and you may need to take the first step.

In this episode, Gallo dives into the types of relationship snags you might encounter at work and shares pragmatic strategies to push past the tension—starting with a heartwarming dose of empathy and a dash of humility.

AMY GALLO: Ever feel like you’re stuck in a quagmire with a coworker? That you’re perpetually stuck at the “how are you” stage? You might have experienced passive tension or even downright disagreement. So, what’s the pathway to renewal? Can relationships really evolve from awkward to awesome? Here’s the silver lining: many strained connections can absolutely be repaired. Turning that negative into a positive can yield a relationship that’s robust enough to weather any storm.

The flip side? Rebuilding takes concerted effort. Too often, folks simply lower their expectations rather than roll up their sleeves to tackle the issue. But investing in these relationships pays off, especially when it comes to your productivity and overall morale. Here’s how you can begin to mend a fractured professional bond.

According to Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, relationship issues typically land on a spectrum. You might find yourself on one end as an over-accommodator, caught in courteous exchanges. On the opposite side, you could be embroiled in outright hostility, tiptoeing around each other. Recognizing where you stand is your first step toward repairing the connection.

Here’s the kicker: to move forward, sometimes you just have to let go of being right. Sure, this might be the hardest undertaking, but if you’re committed to restoring the relationship, it’s non-negotiable. Put your ego aside and focus on moving ahead.

We often get tangled up in the blame game, and admit it—most of us picture ourselves as the “right” party in these disputes. But clinging to this notion only clouds your ability to nurture the relationship. Yes, it takes courage to be the bigger person, but Susan David has a playful trick to ease this process.

Imagine slapping a comically oversized sticker on the other person’s back that says “I’m wrong.” You know it, so why waste energy vocalizing it? Keep your focus on progression, not regression.

Instead of obsessing over every misstep or harsh word exchanged, channel your energy toward what worked well in the past, what you appreciate about the individual, and what you aspire for the relationship to become.

If you find zero redeeming qualities in that colleague, focus purely on your end goals. This approach drives the conversation towards constructive change. Remember, as David suggests, adopt a solution-focused mindset rather than a blame-heavy one.

Empathy is another key ingredient in this recipe for repair. It’s the bedrock of all thriving workplace relationships. Cultivate your capacity for understanding by probing deeper into your coworker’s perspective.

Ask yourself: What’s their viewpoint? Are they feeling overwhelmed, misjudged, or shut out? What do they hope to gain from this connection? What hidden stories might I not yet know?

This internal dialogue is your springboard for resetting the emotional climate of your interactions. Then it’s time to connect—both literally and figuratively. Choose neutral territory for your conversations. Maybe grab a coffee or take a leisurely lunch together. Instead of recounting grievances, focus on shared goals or challenges to foster a sense of partnership.

Here’s the reality check: one coffee chat won’t magically resolve everything. True transformation usually arises from small, consistent actions. According to Susan David, meaningful connections are forged in the everyday nuances, not just in those singular pivotal moments.

Looking to demonstrate rather than just declare your intentions? Leadership professor Brian Uzzi from Northwestern’s Kellogg School of Management advises not to assert your trustworthiness; rather, show it through action. One excellent tactic: offer support without expecting anything in return. This triggers the law of reciprocity, building a natural flow of give-and-take between you both. And remember—keeping your word lays the groundwork for deeper trust and connection.

Curiosity is your ally here. Ask quality questions that push beyond surface-level small talk. Instead of a perfunctory “How was your weekend?”, inquire about the details: “What specifically did you do?” This invites richer dialogue. If you’re new to each other, ask questions that highlight your interest in their professional insights. “How was that last meeting from your perspective?” or “What projects are you excited about at the moment?”

The essence of these dialogues lies in creating a shared space—a common ground that transcends the issues separating you.

Feedback is crucial, though often tricky. If you’ve built trust and momentum, consider offering constructive feedback about your interactions. Frame your observations to foster improvement rather than critique. People don’t always realize how their actions affect their peers, and your insight could be invaluable.

And yes, be open to receiving feedback yourself! Oftentimes, there are lessons to learn from the other’s side of the equation.

Let’s recap the gems here. Work is a beautifully flawed ecosystem, rife with human complexities. But when you find yourself butting heads with someone, don’t just grimace and bear it; consider the growth opportunities. Mending fences can lead to fortified connections, teaching us about the nuances of ourselves and others, ultimately making future conflicts easier to navigate.

Key principles to keep in mind: Build trust by offering genuine support, have candid discussions in neutral spaces, and commit to subtle but consistent changes in your interactions. Remember the pitfalls: don’t dwell on who’s right or wrong, and recognize that true repair isn’t instantaneous—it’s a journey.

Thanks for tuning in! All strategies shared here are derived from comprehensive resources linked in the description. Have your own tips for mending broken relationships or topics you want us to tackle next? Drop your thoughts in the comments below. Until next time!

HANNAH BATES: That was Amy Gallo, contributing editor, conflict resolution specialist, and host of another fantastic HBR podcast, Women at Work, with her recent work, Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People).

Join us again next Wednesday for another carefully curated conversation on leadership from Harvard Business Review. If you found value in this episode, share it with colleagues and friends, and don’t forget to subscribe to our show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your preferred platform. While you’re there, we’d love for you to leave a review. For more podcasts, articles, case studies, books, and videos featuring the finest minds in business and management, visit HBR.org.

This episode was produced by Amy Gallo, Scott LaPierre, Anne Saini, and yours truly, Hannah Bates. Our editor is Ian Fox, with music by Coma Media, and a huge shout-out to Maureen Hoch, Nicole Smith, Erica Truxler, Ramsey Khabbaz, Anne Bartholomew, and most importantly, you—our loyal listener. See you next week!